The Sounds of Silence
The one thing that can really drive you crazy about the P90X workouts is the music. It’s that synth-y, thump-a thump-a music so popular with porn videos throughout our fair nation (or, ahem, so
I hear, have heard, someone told me about that). But that’s not the bad part. What is truly irritating, especially for those with any kind of dance/aerobic exercise background, is that the music doesn’t sync with the workout routine. So if you’re doing a sequence and moving to the beat of the music, you’ll invariably be off from the pace set by our rhythmically-challenged trainer Tony Horton. I know, I know, the music is layered in later, but couldn’t they have spent a little more time in the studio rejiggering speeds, or given the sometimes erratically-timed Tony a click track?
Luckily, there are some DVD options that can take care of that. During the second week I avail myself of them. I select “No music,” which gives you Tony talking but no music. Unfortunately, this puts into sharp relief the babbling of Tony Horton. It makes you realize how utterly inane most of his comments are, unmitigated by background sound. His “He’s a wild man!” banter and “I recommend a recovery drink” shilling seems a little… bald, in the quiet room. So I select another option: “Silence and Cues.” This only gives you Tony talking when he’s giving instruction on what exercise he’s about to do, when he starts and when he stops. All the rest is sucked away into silence. Perfection! What could be better!
The only thing is, extraordinarily, unexpectedly… I begin to miss Tony talking. All that silence make me acutely aware of… me, by myself in my little room, my sweaty body jumping on a sweaty mat, watching TV. Is this my life? And from time to time Tony’s voice would jump in to give instruction, and you could tell from his tone that he had just cracked wise to one of his compatriots, those people gathered together in the other room, there on the screen, suddenly far away, while you toiled all alone, and then his voice would click off again and he’d be gone with the favored ones. It was like there was a party in the next room and you were working in the kitchen and the host would pop in from time to time to give you orders…
I think I’ve invested a bit too much in these videos. Perhaps I should spend time with, I don’t know, humans.
Tony’s Stretch Soup of the Day: Tomato Basil. Dreya the Virtuous offers up Lentil, but when Sophia suggests Lobster Bisque, Tony shuts her down with a “That doesn’t sound too healthy.” Dude! You chose lobster bisque in the last video! Cut Soph some slack!
|“Eat your heart out,
Notable Exercises: Who knew that sitting against a wall could be so excruciating? We do both Wall Squats and One-Leg Wall Squats, pressing our back to the wall and keeping our legs at 90 degrees for a minute. A long minute. Later we crouch down and do Groucho Walks back and forth. I’d bet that over half the people doing the video has no idea who Groucho is. Equally challenging are the Debbie Sieber Speed Squats, which I prefer to call a Modified Dinklage.
|Yes, Peter, I’m squatting here, waiting for you…|
I do very minimal leg exercises at the gym, so this work is helpful and isn’t even hurting my knees! It is actually probably helping my knees by strengthening the muscles around them. So far, so good.
Update: The next morning, you can feel every muscle fiber in your ass, like you’re a walking anatomy chart.
Topics: Dreya Weber • Groucho Marx. Peter Dinklage • P90X • Tony Horton