Holy Merde, it’s Halloween again. Time for dragging out the styrofoam grim reapers and gravestones, setting up all those fake cobwebs and carving out those soon-to-be black & rotting pumpkins. Looking for a good spooky book? Something chilling to read aloud with a flashlight under your chin? I’ve got the book you MUST buy today. A narrative that is totally terrifying. Forget Edgar Allen Poe and Lovecraft and King. They’ve got nothing on this. Remember how you felt when you read “Salem’s Lot” or “The Excorcist”? Even worse. This book may well haunt you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Here it is:
Wait, wait! you say. I know this book! It can’t be the acclaimed, best-selling children’s book that’s been passed down for decades, can it? Yes, it can. This ode to co-dependency has been around since 1986, and it has sold more than 8 million copies (I found six copies of it in our school library alone). People think it’s so sweet, so touching. It’s still given out, with a wistful frown-smile and a teary eye, at many a baby shower. Maria Shriver Herself recommends it.You probably love it! You think my heart is baked in a kiln!
That’s part of the horror. People refuse to see the evil between the pages. It’s the book that cannot be killed! It’s like Damien in the first Omen movie, cherub-cheeked and innocent. How can HE be Satan’s spawn? Well, I’m here to tell you, before I get decapitated by a plate glass window, that it’s true. This book is evil. EVIL!
First off, its theme is Mother Love— and if that doesn’t send a chill down your spine, well, come spend a weekend at my house for Thanksgiving.
“Love You Forever” is about a mother and the intense love she has for her son, all through the years. Throughout the different stages of his life, she can be seen rocking him and singing a little lullaby. Sweet? Imagine the following haunting refrain sung in a sing-song voice with echo-effect, scored by John Carpenter synthesizer music)
She Won’t. Let. Go. She’s the Terminator of mothers. Still doubt me? Let’s take a look at some of the illustrations, shall we? Here we go:
The boy’s has reached adolescence, but still the mother’s creeping around while he’s asleep. What’s with the laboratory glasses? And doesn’t she look like she’s wearing gloves? What’s she’s going to be doing to him? Stop her, somebody!
Here he is, all grown up. Egads! Look at that hair, that sweater, that impervious stare: he’s become a serial killer! Who can blame him? Someone call Dexter!
Did that do it for you? Or do you think I’m just a hater? Let me know what you think about the book. All I know is: this is what happens when you read “Love You Forever” to your son at bedtime: