Doing laps in the LA Fishbowl

V is for… Whaaa?

All right, I told myself I wouldn’t be writing about too much family stuff… privacy issues, unfair to the kid, etc. etc…. but this just begs to be shared.

The Sex Talk is upon us!
Maybe we shouldn’t have been playing “FutureSex/Lovesounds”to Benjamin at age 6,  but at age 8 he’s got questions. Lots of them. Sure, he already understands the “egg + seed= baby” concept,  and he’s always asked questions (“Does the doctor have to cut open the man’s sack to get the seeds out?”), but by now the “special hug that adults do” explanation isn’t cutting it. He wants nitty gritty. 
He usually waylays Doug at his most unsuspecting, like when Benj is in the bath or about to go to bed. It would usually go something like this:
Doug:   “Okay, Benjie, have a good sleep—”
Ben:      “Daddy, how does the sperm get to the egg?”
Doug:   “Whaa?”
Ben:      “How does the sperm get in there?”
Doug (matter of fact-edly):   
              “Through a special opening called a vagina.”
Ben:      “Does it go through your clothes?”
Doug:   “Uh… no. You’re naked.”
Ben:       “You’re naked?”
Doug:    “Yes. Okay, pumpkin—”
Ben:      “So they do it on the bed?”
Doug (teeth ever so slightly clenched):
Ben:       “Can you do it in the shower?”
Doug:     “I… suppose so.”
Ben:        “But how does the sperm get there?”
Doug(mentally screaming):
               “The man puts his penis into the woman’s vagina.”
Ben:       “Oh. Can I have grits for breakfast?”
And then Doug quietly leaves the room and passes out. 
He’s asked Doug for a book on the subject, but Doug forgot about it. Then he asked, “Is there, like, pictures or video of private parts on the internet?” Doug paused, then said… “No.”  
(note to self: get those privacy settings activated on the computer)
He also ordered some books from Amazon that night:

 One’s for ages 4 and up, the other for ages 7 and up. He figured we should probably cover our bases. They’re good. Goes into detail, doesn’t shy away from facts, but in a cute, fanciful way. Covers everything, from body parts to puberty to sex to pregnancy. Probably a little more informative than the Hustler magazines I learned from… Of course, the questions keep coming, like “So… she can just stick her finger in there, huh?” but at least we have books to refer to.
The funny thing is, Benj almost always asks Doug the big S questions, not me. I’ll ask him the next morning if he has anything he’d like to ask me and he says, “Yeah. In Plants Versus Zombies, can the watermelon plant kill the bucket zombie or do you need a cactus shooter too?”

Why is this? Am I the “Mommy” and so he’s not comfortable asking me these things? Or am I the “Daddy” and too distant? Why aren’t I getting the hard questions?

There was one thing he did ask me the other day. He was looking at a diagram of a woman’s body parts, and points to an word ands says, “She’s got a Volvo in there?”

“Uh, no, Ben, that’s a VUL-va.”

He’s definitely an L.A. kid.

 (note to self: find out what the hell a vulva is.)

That would be pretty amazing, though. A tiny little car with a tiny little baby seat in it that shoots in and out of there. It delivers your baby in half an hour or your order is FREE! And we know how high the safety standards are on those Volvos…

Oh… maybe THAT’S why he doesn’t ask me these questions…

update: okay, I found out. Huh. Never would have guessed. These books do come in handy.
May 26th, 2010 - Still Life Las Vegas


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